Hello
Welcome to my show
I'm glad that you could come
We're gonna have a hoot
We're gonna have some fun

Sit back
Put your feet up and relax
I hope you've had a drink or three
The more you've drunk
The better I will be

And if you have a mobile phone
Please turn it off
...
Thank you

And if you have Tourette's syndrome
Just do whatever it is you people do

And if you are offended by strong language or blasphemy
Maybe you should chuff off home
Cos it's only gonna get worse
Only gonna get worse
Only gonna get worse
From now on
...
Cunt

My name is Tim
I write funny songs and sing
And if you don't think funny songs are funny
Well I respect your right
To think exactly what you like
But you're sure as shit not getting back your money

And if you write for a newspaper I'd just like to say
That I read your publication every single day
And I agree with absolutely everything you say
I think you're the most perspicacious and delightful, eloquent, insightful writer
Writing on the subject of the arts
But if you write a bad review
I promise you I'll come round to your house
And lay turds in all your potted indoor plants
I'll lay turds!
In all your plants!
Your indoor plants!
Your potted indoor plants!

Hello
Welcome to my show
I'm glad you all could come
It's time for a little audience participation
Sing, "yeah"
Sing, "yeah"
Sing, "ooo yeah"
Sing, "I am an audience member"
"Why are you making me sing"
"You self indulgent wanker"
"Just get on with the fucking show"

Your love for me is not debatable
Your sexual appetite's insatiable
You never ever make me waitable
Delectable, inflatable you

You don't have problems with your weight at all
You never steal food off my plate at all
I never have to masturbate at all
Unstoppable, inflatable you

You never seem to menstruate at all
So you're not angry when I'm late at all
I feel permanently felatable
Unpoppable, inflatable you

With you in my arms I feel we could just fly away
With the right kind of gas I might even try it some day
In this ocean of life I'm never afraid I might drown
We could just float forever whatever the weather
Whenever my inflatable lover's around

Your thighs and buttocks are so holdable
You always do what you are toldable
And if we argue you just foldable
Controllable, consolable you

My mates all reckon you are suitable
I took you 'round to watch the football
And Steve and Gary said you're rootable
Commutable, refutable you

You're never sensitive or tickly
When I rub you my skin goes prickly
It's known as static electricity
Felicity when I'm kissing you

Your skin is so smooth – I couldn't afford you with hair
You have all the holes real girls have got plus one for the air
Your problems are simple, I don't need my Masters in Psych
To know if you get down I just perk you right up
With a couple of squirts from the pump off my bike

You never wake up when I snore at all
A trait which I find quite adorable
You have a box and you are storable
Ignorable, back-doorable you

Any sexual position's feasible
Although you don't bend at the knees at all
Your hooters are so firm and squeezable
Increasable, un-creasable you

You don't complain about my hairy back
Or 'bout the inches that downstairs I lack
You're not disgusted by my furry crack
...Burt Bacharach ...Jack Kerouac ...ooo

Now birth control is not an issue
I clean it all off with a tissue
I bet my jealous friends all wish you
Were insatiably, inflatably theirs

Don't let me down
Don't let me down
Don't let me down
And I won't let you down

He doesn't have a problem with drugs
He just doesn't do them
He's fine that his mates have tattoos
But he reckons they'll rue them
He likes going to pubs
But he hates it when the music's too loud
He tends not to go to rock concerts
Cos he can't stand the crowds

But all he's ever wanted to be
Is a rock star on Rage or MTV
But he knows that it's not very likely
He's just turned thirty
He knows that he

Will always be
A rock 'n' roll nerd
He'll keep writing songs the world will never hear
And though they won't be heard
He'll just keep writing

But you see the problem is
He always dreamt of being a star
But he learnt piano instead of guitar
Which, in the nineties, didn't get you very far
So while the other kids were learning Stairway
He was the piano to their forte
But he was convinced one day he'd rock their fucking asses
And be an icon for the disenfranchised masses
And grow his hair long and rebel against the state
But just for now that'd have to wait
Cos he's running late for his morning classes

And he will always be
A rock 'n' roll nerd
He'll keep playing gigs that no one knows about
And though it sounds absurd
He'll just keep playing

But you see the problem is
There's not much depth in what he's singing
He's a victim of his upper-middle class upbringing
So he can't write about the 'hood or bling bling
So he sits and imagines his girlfriend is dead
To try and invoke some angst in his middle class head
But she's always fine
At half past nine
When they go to bed

And he's not spent a single night in prison
He has no issues with nutrition
He has no drinking problem and no drug addiction
Unless you count the drugs they put in chicken
And marijuana always tends to make him cough
He doesn't look good with his t-shirt off
And when he tries to act tough
You can tell he's trickin'

While his mates
All go out late
Poppin' pills and having fun
He goes home and showers
Gets a good eight hours
He gets his thrills from his morning run

And while his mates
All go on dates
Taking speed and drinking cans of Beam
He stays home and cooks
Curls up with a book
With a girl he's had since he was seventeen

Cos he's never been part of the scene
While the other kids liked Gunners, he liked Queen
He's more into Beatles than the Stones
He's more Stevie Wonder than Ramones
And he's never owned a Transit van
He's never shot a Sepultura fan
He doesn't know the difference between metal and thrash
He couldn't tell you nothing about Axl and Slash
He likes Ben Folds and the Jackson Five
He knows all the words to Staying Alive
And though he wants to be all grungy and cool
He spent eleven years in a private school

So it don't matter how he tries
He cannot hide behind his rock 'n' roll lies
Because you've either got it or you don't
Yeah you'll either rock it or you won't
Yeah you've either got it or you don't
Yeah you'll either rock it or you won't

He knows that his music lacks depth but it just can't be helped
He has nothing interesting to say so he writes about himself
But he doesn't want to see self-obsessed so he writes in third person
In an attempt to seem more rock 'n' roll be he knows it's not working

Deep in he his heart he knows he
Will never be Bono or Bowie
And even if he was quite pretty
And wrote songs like Britney
He knows that he

Will always be
A rock 'n' roll nerd
He'll keep writing songs the world don't care about
And though they won't be heard
He'll just keep writing
You can criticise him
But he won't care
Cos he wants to rock
And he will never be deterred
But he'll always be a fucked-up, little, try-hard, wannabe rock 'n' roll nerd

He looks at me intensely
Contact lens green with artificial envy
Cocks his head and fixes me with a condescending stare
Flicks his bleached, blond tipped hair
And theorises thus

You know what I reckon?
Pause for effect
Adjusts his tackle as if it's semi-erect
I feel I'd better give him what I know he expects
What do you reckon?

A hand on the shoulder
An avuncular wink
Sips his lemon drink
Spits out the pips
Hands on hips
Licks his lips
Like a wolf near a flock
Yet again adjusting his fantasy cock
He delivers his philosophy

I reckon it don't matter
It don't mean squat
What you earn or what you got
Or the style of your hair
Or what you wear
It matters not

Like what do you care
That I live on a hill with views of the beach
That my chick and my dogs have an en-suite bathroom each
That I've already reached my first million and I'm only 26

You're as thick as two bricks
If you think you can fix
What is broke in your life with money
And the funny thing is
And I shit you not
That I'd give it all up like that

He leaves me to ponder his wisdom for a bit
And with a click of his fingers
Beckons the blondest, bimbo-est barmaid
And grinning ridiculously
Orders a G and T
And a beer, for me
And before I can escape
He's back saying

Cos mate, the thing is
All of that crap
It's all superficial
It's all just a front
Anyone can be a rich cunt
But the thing we all want
Can't be bought with dosh
You know what I mean boss?
Cos you don't give a toss
That when I want to get slim
I've got my own private gym
And a personal trainer called Danielle or Darlene
She's got tits
Like those chicks
In Ralph magazine

And it's not like you care
That I own the controlling share
Of an overseas company
That builds accounting software
It matters not one bit
I mean who gives a shit
That I earn six hundred grand
And drive a brand new land rover
You know I would hand it all over like that

He pauses for a beat
Long enough for me to retreat to a seat
And sit, elbow on the bar
And contemplate this guru
With his white teeth and big car
And ponder silently my belief
That genius comes in many a form
And that this postulating, peroxided porn-star prick ain't one of them

My speculation cut short
As he reforms
Like Terminator II
And before I have time to abort
He descends upon me and snorts

I guess what I'm trying to say
In my own little way
Is that I reckon that musos and artists and that
Well I reckon they're great
I know some people reckon you guys just sit on your bums
And don't get out of bed til the pizza man comes
And smoke cones
And take crack
And whack-off all day
But I don't care what they say
And I don't listen to people
Who say that all actors are gay
Not that I don't think that's OK
As far as I'm concerned
Although it's not my bag
If you wanna be a fag
Be a fag y'know?
Who am I to say
Where you come
And where you go
In the privacy of your own homo
Ha ha
Homo
Ha ha
Homo
Ha ha
He's shitting me now

And my eyes start to glaze
And through the haze of my anger
I notice his G and T is gone
And he's starting to dribble
As he dribbles on and fucking on
But you musos are alright
I don't know much about music
But I know what I like
And I reckon I'd throw it all in
To be like you Jim
I mean you might be poor in monetary terms
But what you earn spiritually
What makes you what you are
Just means so much more
Than what you earn from a really nice car
Or a tennis court
Or holidays in Greece
Or a house on the beach
Or stock market shares
Or twenty-one pairs
Of Calvin Klein underwear
Do you understand you are a wealthy, wealthy man
I mean I don't want to piss in your pocket
But I've gotta say
Before I get on my way
That honestly, and I'm not having you on
I reckon on day you could play the piano as good as Elton John

The cops are still mingling
Though the crowd's shuffled out
I've got ice on my hand
Where my fist met his mouth
And although I explained
That it wasn't my fault
I've a five hundred buck fine
For aggravated assault
So before it gets worse
I reckon I'll bolt
A wealthy, wealthy man
In a 1981 Mitsubishi Colt

We don't eat pigs
You don't eat pigs
It seems it's been that way forever
So if you don't eat pigs
And we don't eat pigs
Why not, not eat pigs together?

So you're gonna live in paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a ride on a UFO
And when the Lord comes down with his shimmering chariot of salvation
Your gonna be the first to know

So if
God was there from the very beginning
He invented men and women
Then He also invented wanking
Then He said wanking was sinning
So now if I'm feeling randy
I'm not allowed a hand shandy
But having sex with my family
That is just fucking great
It's all there in Ezekiel 8
Just before he opens up His big pearly gates
And says that it's a sin
To take it up the date
Even if it's great
Even with your mate

So you're gonna live in paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a shot at the greener grass
And when the Lord comes down with his shiny rod of judgement
He's gonna kick my heathen ass

So if you
Cover the bodies of your women
Everybody is grinning
Because black is so slimming
Though it's not great for swimming
But it gives you an erection
With the increased sexual tension
What with the UV protection
That is second to none
You'll find it all in the Koran
Just next to the bit that justifies guns
And says that it's a sin
To take it up the bum
Even if it's fun
Even with permission from your mum

So you're gonna live in paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a shot at eternity
And when the Lord comes down and I haven't done my penance
He's gonna disembowel me

You say that
If I
Stumbled on a watch I'd assume it had a watchmaker
That a muffin presupposes a baker
So we must agree sooner or later
This proves there's a creator
So if I put your foot in a stinker
You'd assume the existence of a sphincter
Thus you don't need to be a great thinker
To conclude that God's a bum
Which negates the words of Genesis 1
Which make him out to be so much fun
Until Adam succumbed
To temptation
And then his only son
Got nailed to a gum

Or the Middle East equivalent
Which suggest that God's omniscience
Is nullified by his ambivalence
Unless it turns out that he's impotent
And if God can't get a boner
I guess that explains the plethora
Of huge erections in His honour
Cos we all know a steeple is just a subconscious, compensatory manifestation of a huge, stiff penis
And still He tell us that it's heinous
To stick a penis up your anus
Even if you're famous
Even if you like tennis

So you're gonna live in paradise
With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins
So you're gonna sacrifice your life
For a ride on a UFO
And when the Lord comes down with his big, stiff, slimy rod of judgement
I'm gonna be the first to go
He's gonna send me down below
He's gonna whip me like a ho
D'you really think so?
I'm gonna be the first to go

We've got years ahead of us
We've got people who care for us
We've got Sunday morning coffees in the sun
We've got Monday night television

We've got years of happiness
We've got decades of laughter ahead of us
We've got Christmases with family by the sea
We've got wine and vintage cheddar

Yeah, I have everything a man could ever want
And all I'll ever need is you

Nothing can stop us now
Only the good times left
Nothing can stop our love
Except terminal illness
Or sudden accidental death

Take your canvas bags
When you go
To the supermarket
Why use plastic bags when you know
You know the world can't take it

Take your canvas bags
When you go
To the supermarket market market
Don't you use those plastic ones
No, no, no
Don't you know that you'll feel better for it

Take your canvas bags
Take your canvas bags
Take your canvas bags
To the supermarket

Just think about the world
And how the world would be fantastic
If we got rid of all the plastic
We just need to get enthusiastic
Start a competition gymnastic
Or a bag making comp at your school
Fuck it, make it interscholastic
Canvas is for everyone
Whether you be rebellious and iconoclastic
Or conservative or ecclesiastic
I don't care if you're loud and bombastic
Or quiet or virtually monastic
Sober or on the floor spastic
Yoga master or completely inelastic
I'm not trying to be ironic or sarcastic
Just do something drastic
To rid the world of plastic

I can have a dark side
If you want me to
I can have a dark side
I can develop my brooding potential
If pain's what you want in a man
Pain I can do
I can have a dark side too
I can have a dark side

I called my girlfriend up on the phone
I said, "Hey girlfriend what's going wrong?"
She said, "I'm breaking it off with you
"I feel as if the magic has gone"
I said, "Hey baby what're you talking about?
"I thought that everything was just fine"
She said, "That's exactly my point
"I just get so annoyed how you're so happy all the time
"I need somebody deeper than you
"Someone with a little third-dimension"

I said,
I can have a dark side
If you want me to
I can have a dark side
I can develop my brooding potential
If pain's what you want in a man
Pain I can do
I can have a dark side too
I can have a dark side

I wrote a letter to Mr Sony
I said, "Hey Sony what's going down?
"I've got a record and I reckon it's wicked
"And I think you should s-spread it around"
He said, "Hey Tim, I quite like your work
"It's clever and quirky
"But I promise you this
"You could be clever as Voltaire
"But it won't get you nowhere
"If you wanna sell discs
"Clever never made no one rich
"It doesn't appeal to the teenage market
"The teenage market!"

I said,
I can have a dark side
If you want me to
I can have a dark side
I can reveal my tortured internals
If pain's what you want in an act
Pain I can do
I can have a dark side too
I can have a dark side

Daddy never came to my ball games
Where are you daddy?
Daddy never came to my ball games
He never loved me

I,
I can have a dark side
If you want me to

This is my Earth
And I live in it
It's one third dirt
And two thirds water
And it rotates and revolves through space
At rather an impressive pace
And never even messes up my hair
And here's the really weird thing
The force created by its spin
Is the force that stops the chaos flooding in

This is my Earth
And it's fine
It's where I spend the vast majority of my time
It's not perfect
But it's mine
It's not perfect

This is my country
And I live in it
It's pretty big
And nice to walk on
And the bloke who runs my country
Has built a demagoguery
And tought us to be fearful and boring
And the wierdest thing is that he is
Conservative of politics
But really rather radical of eyebrow

This is my country
And it's fine
It's where I spend the vast majority of my time
It's not perfect
But it's mine
It's not perfect

This is my house
And I live in it
It's made of cracks
And photographs
We rent it off a guy who bought it from a guy
Who bought it from a guy
Whose grandad left it to him
And the weirdest thing is that this house
Has locks to keep the baddies out
But they're mostly used to lock ourselves in

This is my house
And it's fine
It's where I spend the vast majority of my time
It's not perfect
But it's mine
It's not perfect

This is my body
And I live in it
It's x
And x months old
It's changed a lot since it was new
It's done stuff it wasn't built to do
I often try to fill it up with wine
And the weirdest thing about it is
I spend so much time hating it
But it never says a bad word about me

This is my body
And it's fine
It's where I spend the vast majority of my time
It's not perfect
But it's mine
It's not perfect

This is my brain
And I live in it
It's made of love
And bad song lyrics
It's tucked away behind my eyes
Where all my fucked up thoughts can hide
Cos God forbid I hurt somebody
And the weird thing about my mind
Is that every answer that I find
Is the basis of a brand new question

This is my brain
And it's fine
It's where I spend the vast majority of my time
It's not perfect
But it's mine
It's not perfect
I'm not quite sure I've worked out how to work it
It's not perfect
But it's mine

All we really want is affirmation
Affirmation's all we're working towards
And I don't need your wealth accumulation
You can keep it
Second encore
Second encore